Questions

Recently, I moved into a different position at work. One of the things that consistently presents itself, no matter the role, is communication challenges. I would say at home, there is an ebb and flow of poor, fair, and great communication as well. 

I don’t think this is specific to me; I think it’s across the board with humans, because we all come at communication from what we know in the moment. We have learned to communicate from lived past experiences, both good and bad. Would you agree? 

And would you also agree that poor communication is rarely intentional? When it happens with your colleague, manager, husband, or child, it often comes from being unregulated in the moment, missing that check-back system we may or may not have cultivated along the way, and wishing we could take it back the minute we reflect on it. 

Through my master’s program, I was recently introduced to Warren Berger, a self-professed “questionologist,” and his art of simply asking better questions in his book, A More Beautiful Question which seems to be the antidote to poor communication. 

As we age, we tend to stop asking as many questions as we once did, and yet this is how we continue to learn new things and experience professional (and personal) growth. When we ask deep, powerful questions, we can build or deepen our relationships with others. 

What does it look like to ask a deep, powerful and possibly transformational question, though? 

In my experience, it starts with our mindsets and mental models about who we are speaking to, what the subject is, what we already know about the situation, how we are showing up in the moment and how open we are to receiving new information, even if it’s something we don’t want to hear. 

Tone, approach and timing go a long way. 

Do you ever wish you had taken the time to formulate your question before asking it? Or consider asking a question instead of telling or just giving advice? 

Warren Berger shares, “A beautiful question could be considered ‘beautiful’ for all kinds of reasons. But from my own perspective, I’m partial to questions that have the potential to bring about change; questions that cause you to say, ‘Aha!’ because they shift the way you think about a problem or subject.” (Berger, 2016).

He goes on to give some advice about improving our communication with others through things like:
•    If you want something more than a yes or no answer, start your questions with what, why or how.
•    If you only want a yes-or-no answer, be direct and say something like “Is it a problem?” instead of “Why are we having this problem?”
•    Be precise (Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind – unknown author.
•    Soften your questions: “I’m curious why you….” instead of “Why do you…?”
•    Give space and time before you ask a question.
•    Ask clarifying questions to support people feeling heard and valued.

It seems like a lot, doesn’t it? And we generally do it within seconds during a conversation with a colleague or loved one. 

What I have learned now that I wish I would have learned years ago is to slow down, check in with myself, and read the other person before asking questions. At work, it’s hard because everything is moving a mile a minute and people’s lives are at stake; at home, it’s hard because we are speaking to people who unconditionally love and accept us no matter how we treat them. 

It’s all worth considering, isn’t it? Have a think on it. Ask yourself a beautiful question and see if your relationships at home and work deepen and transform. I’m personally working on consistency of improved communication and questioning - join me?