Parenting Resolutions by Virginia Robinson

What, if anything, will inspire you to be a better parent this year? It's hard to teach your children to be strong and good natured in the face of adversity when the simple of act of trying to get the car seat jammed closed over a bulky snow suit ignites a string of expletives.

Let's make the grand assumption that the reason you strive to be a better parent is not because it has become clear that you are never going to amount to much yourself so you might as well turn your energy to the next generation. Instead, let's assume that prior to your child's actual conception you made a conscious decision to enter into this parent/child relationship knowing full well that it would reflect all your shortcomings, your warts, your baggage, your inability to cope with the holes in your own nurturing. In fact, you are grateful for this opportunity.

So...back to the scene of the crime: the snowsuit, the minus 15 degree weather, the warmth of your home. For some reason you have decided your child is being unreasonable for not wanting to go outside. And now that it has boiled down to a physical wrestling match you cannot retract your intentions and change the course of events – a sweaty battle ensues, you wrench your back. Writhing on the floor your child takes pity on you, dutifully fetches the phone, and calls 911. Shortly thereafter the ambulance arrives to cart you away. Your child nestles triumphantly back into her blankey on the couch. Out of the corner of your eye it would appear Teddy's arm is waving empathically goodbye.

Life does not have to be this way.

I am often inspired to be a better parent because I happen to live with an incredibly talented one. When I told the universe that the next challenge I wanted in this life was to learn how to be a really good parent, I opened the door, and in walked my future husband. For him, there often is no scene of the crime.

One morning, when my daughter decided, once again, she would not be courting winter she pulled off her boot and hurled it towards the wall. I was making my way down the stairs, coffee in hand.

“Oh this is going to be good,” I thought easing back against the wall, just out of sight, and completely riveted by the domestic drama unfolding below. My bladder was simpering for relief but it would have to wait.

My husband's face contorted into a menacing grimace. “Don't you throw your boot like that.” And my child laughed. My husband, unruffled, retrieved her boot, and gently placed it back on her foot. Smiling, giggling, rolling back, she took it off and threw it again. He retrieved it and put it back on. This game, for that's what it was, continued for another minute or two before my daughter decided she had had enough and trooped through the door to join her brother outside. I looked on in disbelief: where were the tears, and the gnashing of teeth? Where was the steam billowing out of beet red ears? Harumph!

My bladder would not be silenced, so I dutifully retreated to the thinking chair. What the hell just went on there? After a moment, it dawned on me that we had pretty much been dictating my child's week. Given the opportunity, kids are very good self directed learners, and they follow a rigorous learning curve. Not only do they not need constant direction, it gets in the way of their own learning agenda. Consequently, my daughter was feeling out of control. In an instant, my husband had recognized that, gotten out of the way, and let go of his need to control our child. When she had regained her sense of autonomy she could happily carry on with the family plans. Which led me then to wonder: how often is it my need, not my child’s, that I ask something of her? And her reactive behavior is simply the stimulus, not the cause of my anger.*

Like any other form of training, parenting challenges you to acquire a certain set of skills. Your children will challenge you to become a more patient, compassionate, open minded, intuitive, and joyful individual. And despite all the pain and suffering this journey entails, ultimately, thanks to your children, you will die a more perfect person. So if you cannot be inspired, just be grateful.

*Read Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort for more insights on what tantrums really mean.